letters to little liberte: 02

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hi adeline,

It’s been more than 4 months since I wrote your first letter — and you’re almost 4 months old. I can’t believe it. At the time I wrote you that letter, I had no idea you would come a week later. We wanted you to stay in for much longer! But I’ll save your birth story for another day.

I’ve felt called recently to document our breastfeeding journey. And apparently, it’s breastfeeding awareness month. Our journey has NOT been easy, but it has definitely been worth it. As I sit here writing this, you’re nursing — and we’re both loving every minute of it. ❤️

You showed strong rooting cues in the NICU, from very early on — like 32 weeks gestational age! All the nurses and doctors kept saying you acted older than your age and would most definitely be a primarily — or exclusively — breastfed baby. you just “got” the boob much easier than the bottle. It came more naturally to you and you had many fewer negative events (cough/choke episodes) on the boob vs. on the bottle. The problem was you were just so little and not yet strong enough to take everything you needed from the boob. So even though we would practice breastfeeding in the NICU, you still got the majority of your feeds from first the feeding tube and then the bottle. Even on the bottle, it took you until almost 38 weeks gestation to conquer eating well enough on your own to be able to go home.

It was always my goal to exclusively breastfeed you. Especially after such a tumultuous and scary pregnancy experience — I just wanted this one “normal” experience. So from the moment you were born, I started pumping around the clock. It was hard work just to get one drop. My milk didn’t come in when they said it should. There was a lot working against us — I had severe health issues and was on a cocktail of meds, you came via emergency c-section and very early at just 30 weeks, and I couldn’t breastfeed you in the NICU for the first 1.5 weeks while you were on the CPAP machine. But I remember the night you came, the neonatologist told us my milk was the best medicine for you. So pump around the clock I did and Tim and I ran daily down to the NICU to bring you those precious little drops. I didn’t even think they could really use them, but they did — the nurses would help us give them to you as oral care on your lips and just inside your mouth. It was wonderful and I was so proud of those drops.

So I kept pumping day in and day out and was constantly playing catch-up with your milk intake (because you were gaining weight like a champ!). And we did as much skin-to-skin as possible every day. There wasn’t one day I didn’t spend with you. I felt lucky that I was able to take leave, that I had access to wonderful lactation support in the NICU, and that I had supportive family and friends giving me tips along the way. Highly recommend getting some “breast” friends for breastfeeding support! I’ll be yours if you’re searching ☺️ It is not easy or natural for everyone!

The first two weeks pumping at home at night I couldn’t even go in your nursery. Staring at your empty crib while pumping was just too much. But eventually, as you kept hitting milestones and getting stronger and healthier, I made it my sanctuary and it brought me peace to be in there knowing we could bring you home soon. I vividly remember sitting in there pumping at night while your daddy was with you, anxiously awaiting a text from him — if it was a picture, I knew it was going to be good news, an empty bottle (one step closer to going home!).

You kept having events on the bottle so one of our favorite doctors recommended we do a 24-hour breastfeeding “test” to see how much you were taking at each feed — maybe you were doing better on the breast than we thought! So we did the test that weekend and the most you took in one feed was 26mL (great for you!!), but it was only roughly half your feed and the majority of feeds you took 8-15mL. So we just kept practicing and focused more on you getting the hang of the bottle.

I hate that we had to choose bottle or breast. And the doctors kept telling us we didn’t have to choose — they wanted to support our breastfeeding journey. But the NICU is a weird place. It’s so metrics-driven and not at all a normal or natural place to establish breastfeeding. There are lots of rules (spoken and unspoken) — and even though we were told you’d be such a good breastfeeder, we were also told that in order to go home, you would have to prove you could take a certain amount via bottle — and whatever additional you took via breast was just a bonus. But that’s not how babies eat. They of course weren’t going to send you home unless you took enough volume in the bottle, but you’re only going to eat until you’re full — so trying to breastfeed you and meet that metric wasn’t going to work. You just weren’t strong enough to do both and we so desperately wanted you to come home.

So to get you home we did just a few minutes on the boob (like 5 minutes or less to keep you motivated and hungry) while I was there and then finished your feed with the bottle. When we finally took you home, we were doing the same thing — boob for a bit and then finish with the bottle. But we kept working with a lactation nurse at the hospital’s Mother Baby Clinic to increase our nursing sessions one at a time. We did weighted feeds while we were there, which gave me the confidence that you are in fact getting what you need! I was convinced I would never get a full milk supply given our uphill battle, and yet here we are — exclusively breastfeeding! It took us until about 3-4 weeks ago, but we did it baby girl.

I’m so incredibly grateful for all the help and encouragement I had along the way. I don’t know why the struggles of breastfeeding aren’t talked about more. It seems like it’s glamorized in film and TV — and of course on social media — and I know our struggles were outsized, but I haven’t spoken to one person honestly who hasn’t said it was a struggle in some way.

Here are some moments I never want to forget:

  • The way you smile mid-suckle

  • The way you sigh in satisfaction when I lay you back down to go to sleep

  • The way you nurse yourself to sleep

  • The way you just know what to do

  • The way our bodies just work in harmony

  • The way the boob is the solution to all problems

Love you forever, my baby girl. Thanks for choosing me as your mama 💞

PS: if you’re reading this and you chose not to breastfeed or it wasn’t a choice and you can’t breastfeed, I see you. You are just as brave and just as wonderful of a mama as any other mama. Don’t let society tell you that you “failed” because the truth is you are doing what’s best for you and your baby and that’s all that matters.

PPS: I describe our experience as “breastfeeding” but recognize that it comes in all forms. Pumping is breastfeeding. Nursing for bonding is breastfeeding. Everyone has their own unique journey!

letters to little liberte: 01

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Hi baby,

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we were admitted to the hospital. What a whirlwind it’s been. I never thought that we’d be hospitalized at 25 1/2 weeks. I never thought we’d have a normal prenatal appointment on a Tuesday, be sent to do some labs that afternoon because my blood pressure was a bit high, monitor blood pressure at home with it increasing to a concerning rate over the next day, come to the hospital that Thursday for “some monitoring,” and then not be able to go back home for at least 9-10 weeks, until you arrive. I never thought we’d be diagnosed with severe preeclampsia or subsequently with gestational diabetes. I never thought we’d be on the cocktail of medications or the near constant monitoring we’re now on just to make sure we can keep me healthy and you growing strong for as long as possible. I never thought this pregnancy would be a fight for our lives.

We’ve learned a lot since being here. For starters, we’re among only 1-2% of pregnancies that develop severe preeclampsia and have been told by our doctors that it was a “very early” diagnosis, which is concerning as severe preeclampsia can progress at an alarming rate. We’ve also learned that none of this is our fault and that we couldn’t have controlled or changed the outcome no matter how hard we tried. Severe preeclampsia and gestational diabetes are both caused by placental hormones — nothing we could have known or done to change our course. It’s a myth that if we were just “less stressed out” we could have prevented this from happening. We were always meant to go on this journey together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still question daily why my body has failed us.

While it’s been 4 weeks since we were admitted, I still haven’t found a good routine to keep busy and keep my mind off of all the what ifs and away from the darkness of it all. I have more bad mental health days than good ones, but I’m trying to keep my mind on the end goal — that each day we’re here is a great day. It means you’re still growing healthy and strong and my body is still hanging on and giving you what you need.

The staff are wonderful. Every nurse that’s taken care of me so far is my favorite — and that’s a lot of favorites. I’ve seen at least 17 at this point. Most of the doctors are wonderful too and I found out one of my favorite doctors “claimed” us and will be on call for your delivery — YAY! But even though everyone is wonderful, I still wish I could be home. It’s lonely in this stale hospital room. I miss the warmth and joy of our home — the reading chair in our room, the cozy fireplace, the way the sun comes in through our big windows.

I feel lucky that I’ve never had to experience any major medical trauma before this and haven’t had to stay in a hospital long-term, but now I can say I understand what it means to feel overstimulated and “touched out.” Even though I have a good idea of our daily monitoring routine now, it’s still a lot each day: blood pressure monitoring every 4 hours (yes, through the night as well!), insulin shots 4x/day, blood sugar checks 2 hours after every meal, monitoring you 2x/day for at least 20 minutes (unless you’re not cooperating in which case it could be several hours… you do better every day 😉), a cocktail of meds after breakfast and before bedtime, and then any myriad of other to-dos depending on what’s happening — e.g. this last week we switched from an oral iron supplement to an IV infusion instead so it’d be easier on my stomach.

And that’s just a “normal, uneventful” day. If my blood pressure spikes at or above 160/110 (if either number reaches those maxes), we go on an intervention protocol where blood pressure meds are given through my IV midline, sometimes oral meds are taken as well, you’re put on a monitor, and my blood pressure is checked every 10 minutes for an hour, every 15 minutes for an hour, every 30 minutes for an hour, and then once per hour for 4 hours after that, for a total of 7 hours of monitoring and adjusting meds as needed. I’ve been on protocol at least 5-6x since I’ve been admitted and it doesn’t get any less scary and uncertain. I know for medical professionals it’s probably just standard and normal, but the way things can just change so quickly with this disorder is quite the heavy mental load. The last protocol we went on my blood pressure was the highest it’s been since we were admitted and we had to do 2 rounds of IV medication instead of just 1. I was also in a lot of pain due to another, we think separate issue, so it was freaky all around. Your daddy came last-minute in case we had to deliver you, but we made it through!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of birth. The only thing I want is to meet you, but knowing how unpredictable this disorder is, I’m worried you might have to come too soon or that my body won’t handle the stress of the delivery well. I’ve been reassured that this special care unit we’re in specializes in our issue, but it doesn’t make it less scary. I’ve also been told that we may have to stay for another 6 weeks after delivery if my blood pressures don’t adjust back to normal after delivery. I feel like we’ve already missed out on so much of this pregnancy — I’m not able to finish your nursery, we had to cancel our baby showers, we couldn’t do “normal” maternity photos — I don’t want to spend a second longer than we absolutely have to here, but I also want to make sure both you and I live long, healthy lives.

One thing is for sure — I can’t wait to get our lives started together, and I know your daddy can’t wait for us to come home. We love you little nugget. ❤️

Fall Finds

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It’s the end of August, so you know that means it’s taken all my willpower to not decorate yet for fall. Even though I’m ready for all things cozy, apple cider, and pumpkin, Tim isn’t quite there yet. So I’ve decided to hold off on transitioning our home to all things autumn goodness… for just a little longer. I guess at this rate I’ll decorate post-Labor Day, which feels a little more acceptable 😂

So for now to hold me over I’ve curated some of the cutest fall home decor finds for you — a mix of pillows, blankets, doormats, pumpkins, vases… mmm can’t wait to bust out my cozy fall collection! This year I’m bringing in some more greens in addition to the warmer tones that are true to fall. Excited to show you!

Until then, here are a few things I have my eye on 🍂

 

Please note: some of these links are affiliate links, meaning I’ll receive a small commission if you purchase using my link. It doesn’t raise the cost at all for you, but it does support my work on Wholly Rooted Home. Thank you for supporting me!