letters to little liberte: 01
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Hi baby,
Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since we were admitted to the hospital. What a whirlwind it’s been. I never thought that we’d be hospitalized at 25 1/2 weeks. I never thought we’d have a normal prenatal appointment on a Tuesday, be sent to do some labs that afternoon because my blood pressure was a bit high, monitor blood pressure at home with it increasing to a concerning rate over the next day, come to the hospital that Thursday for “some monitoring,” and then not be able to go back home for at least 9-10 weeks, until you arrive. I never thought we’d be diagnosed with severe preeclampsia or subsequently with gestational diabetes. I never thought we’d be on the cocktail of medications or the near constant monitoring we’re now on just to make sure we can keep me healthy and you growing strong for as long as possible. I never thought this pregnancy would be a fight for our lives.
We’ve learned a lot since being here. For starters, we’re among only 1-2% of pregnancies that develop severe preeclampsia and have been told by our doctors that it was a “very early” diagnosis, which is concerning as severe preeclampsia can progress at an alarming rate. We’ve also learned that none of this is our fault and that we couldn’t have controlled or changed the outcome no matter how hard we tried. Severe preeclampsia and gestational diabetes are both caused by placental hormones — nothing we could have known or done to change our course. It’s a myth that if we were just “less stressed out” we could have prevented this from happening. We were always meant to go on this journey together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still question daily why my body has failed us.
While it’s been 4 weeks since we were admitted, I still haven’t found a good routine to keep busy and keep my mind off of all the what ifs and away from the darkness of it all. I have more bad mental health days than good ones, but I’m trying to keep my mind on the end goal — that each day we’re here is a great day. It means you’re still growing healthy and strong and my body is still hanging on and giving you what you need.
The staff are wonderful. Every nurse that’s taken care of me so far is my favorite — and that’s a lot of favorites. I’ve seen at least 17 at this point. Most of the doctors are wonderful too and I found out one of my favorite doctors “claimed” us and will be on call for your delivery — YAY! But even though everyone is wonderful, I still wish I could be home. It’s lonely in this stale hospital room. I miss the warmth and joy of our home — the reading chair in our room, the cozy fireplace, the way the sun comes in through our big windows.
I feel lucky that I’ve never had to experience any major medical trauma before this and haven’t had to stay in a hospital long-term, but now I can say I understand what it means to feel overstimulated and “touched out.” Even though I have a good idea of our daily monitoring routine now, it’s still a lot each day: blood pressure monitoring every 4 hours (yes, through the night as well!), insulin shots 4x/day, blood sugar checks 2 hours after every meal, monitoring you 2x/day for at least 20 minutes (unless you’re not cooperating in which case it could be several hours… you do better every day 😉), a cocktail of meds after breakfast and before bedtime, and then any myriad of other to-dos depending on what’s happening — e.g. this last week we switched from an oral iron supplement to an IV infusion instead so it’d be easier on my stomach.
And that’s just a “normal, uneventful” day. If my blood pressure spikes at or above 160/110 (if either number reaches those maxes), we go on an intervention protocol where blood pressure meds are given through my IV midline, sometimes oral meds are taken as well, you’re put on a monitor, and my blood pressure is checked every 10 minutes for an hour, every 15 minutes for an hour, every 30 minutes for an hour, and then once per hour for 4 hours after that, for a total of 7 hours of monitoring and adjusting meds as needed. I’ve been on protocol at least 5-6x since I’ve been admitted and it doesn’t get any less scary and uncertain. I know for medical professionals it’s probably just standard and normal, but the way things can just change so quickly with this disorder is quite the heavy mental load. The last protocol we went on my blood pressure was the highest it’s been since we were admitted and we had to do 2 rounds of IV medication instead of just 1. I was also in a lot of pain due to another, we think separate issue, so it was freaky all around. Your daddy came last-minute in case we had to deliver you, but we made it through!
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of birth. The only thing I want is to meet you, but knowing how unpredictable this disorder is, I’m worried you might have to come too soon or that my body won’t handle the stress of the delivery well. I’ve been reassured that this special care unit we’re in specializes in our issue, but it doesn’t make it less scary. I’ve also been told that we may have to stay for another 6 weeks after delivery if my blood pressures don’t adjust back to normal after delivery. I feel like we’ve already missed out on so much of this pregnancy — I’m not able to finish your nursery, we had to cancel our baby showers, we couldn’t do “normal” maternity photos — I don’t want to spend a second longer than we absolutely have to here, but I also want to make sure both you and I live long, healthy lives.
One thing is for sure — I can’t wait to get our lives started together, and I know your daddy can’t wait for us to come home. We love you little nugget. ❤️
